I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
