At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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