I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Randomize
