You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
