ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
