I'm sorry my penis didn't work
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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