i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
