I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
