It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Randomize