No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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