Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
