apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize