Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Randomize
