My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Randomize
