sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
