Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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