and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Randomize
