So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
