You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Randomize
