my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
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