I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize