i don't like sucking hair
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Randomize
