my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
