tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
