Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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