what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
