i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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