i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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