mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Randomize
