Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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