I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
