ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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