Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
When did angry sex become our thing?
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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