My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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