for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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