I cannot find my penis.
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
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