every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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