She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
