I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Randomize
