eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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