omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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