Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
