hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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