we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
