can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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