P.S. I can't hear my feet
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
It's shark week go big or go home
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize