you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
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