Screwed.edu
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
