remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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