Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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