i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
