Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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