I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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