You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Found your dick twin last night
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
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